Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires
by Suzuki LT Z250
Summary: This considerably odd and pointless fic tells about Sasuke and his fear of Smokey the Bear. The field trip for fire safety sparks a new generation of pyros and uneasiness between the Uchiha and the Uzumaki!
1. Field Trip

Disclaimer: This fic is as fake as Honda Recons.   
  
-------cha cha cha cha cha chacha-------  
  
If you have anything against Smokey the Bear, GET AWAY FROM HERE! If you are a Sakura fan, GET  
  
AWAY FROM HERE! If you are a pyro, helloooo.  
  
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The Jounins gathered at the sacred meeting spot at the Hokage's office. Everyone was present.  
  
Everyone was silent. Hokage Tsunade sat in a throne at the end of the circular table, which had no end.  
  
She glanced around at her employees. To her left sat Kakashi and to her right, Gai. Across from Kakashi  
  
was Kurenai who was a seat away from Gai who Anko sat across the table from, which Asuma sat next  
  
to her and across from Tsunade was Iruka, who was there only because they love him.   
  
In the remaining seat sat a person who had no shinobi rank and wore a yellow hat. The light that was  
  
hanging directly over the table, like a Mafia meeting, cast a shadow from the hats brim onto the figures  
  
face.   
  
"Now, I have called you all here to discuss a field trip for yo--" Tsunade started.  
  
"Field trip?! But we're too old to go on a---" Gai slurred.   
  
"--your TEAMS, Gai. Your TEAMS OF THE THREE BRATS." she finished, annoyed. The rest of the  
  
adults quivered in fear. "Your teams need to experience the wilderness so I have--"  
  
"--but our teams, or at least mine, have been past the gates of Konoha! They have survived the  
  
wilderness and kicked butt in the same time!" interrupted Kakashi. He seemed very disturbed as his hair  
  
was sticking directly up, not laid over. Tsunade slammed her fists on the table with rage. "STOP  
  
INTERRUPTING ME OR ILL KICK YOUR PERVERTED BUTT INTO THE WILDERNESS!!"  
  
Everyone went blank. The Hokage let out a sigh. "The point of this field trip is to teach the children about  
  
fire safety, and a little bit about nature. When they get back, they'll have the knowledge about the land  
  
and fire." she paused.  
  
Asuma raised his hand. "Why does this particularly pertain to fire? Why not mud slides or man eating  
  
carrots?"   
  
Kurenai raised her hand. "Besides, you haven't told us the parameters of the field trip."  
  
Iruka raised his hand. "Who is the scary guy in the yellow hat?"  
  
Tsunade stared at them all, clearly displeased. "Mr. Wool, would be so kind and quick to introduce  
  
yourself... And please answer their questions. I have to go find my stress squeeze thing..." The woman  
  
got up from her seat and scowled as she ran out of the room. Kakashi and Gai exchanged uneasy  
  
glances at each other.   
  
"..."  
  
'Mr. Wool' removed his hat. He's bald. His head shined like the sun when the light shone onto it. Kurenai  
  
let out a scream and fell backwards in her chair. On the floor she lay panting as Wool looked at her,  
  
causing her to let out another scream. After screaming at every male in the room, she reassured her self.  
  
Iruka helped her back up. Kurenai clutched her chest, panting heavily. "S-Sorry..."  
  
"..."  
  
Mr. Wool cleared his throat and began talking. "My name is Mr. Wool and I am the chief fireman at  
  
Konoha fire Department."  
  
"I didn't even know we had one of those. Did you guys?" Kakashi whispered.  
  
"No." Asuma whispered back.  
  
"No." Kurenai and Gai whispered too.  
  
"I did!" Iruka happily whispered.  
  
The Jounins looked at him. The fireman cleared his throat loudly. Everyone looked at him, with bored  
  
faces. "As I was saying... The Hokage has asked me to educate you and your teams of--"  
  
"Are you saying we're stupid?!" Kakashi spat.  
  
"N-no! I'm saying that you all, you and your students, will learn some important safety skills when it  
  
comes to fire."  
  
"So your saying we're ALL stupid?!" the Copy Ninja spat again.  
  
"NO! It just some fun activities that'll take place in the woods! You and your teams will spend a weekend  
  
in the country while you learn what to do and what not to do when it comes to fire!!" Wool yelled,  
  
becoming breathless and wheezing. Kurenai scooted her chair back a few feet.  
  
Asuma raised his hand. "You still didn't answer my question, Mr. Whatsyername."  
  
"Wool! It's. Mr. Kari. Wool! And there are no mud slides in this land and there are no man eating  
  
carrots!!" the fireman spat out quickly.  
  
Asuma himself looked scared. Anko looked around the small, dark, anger filled room. Anko raised her  
  
hand.   
  
"Can we leave now?" she said. The chief fireman nodded. With a poof and a cloud of dust, all the  
  
Jounin left the room. Iruka just sat there, confused.  
  
------------------------------------------------------  
  
"We got a new mission..." said Sakura.  
  
"This time I'll surpass Sasgay!" Naruto boasted.  
  
"..." ...'d Sasuke. He glared at the two, who were eager to do something special. "Every other Genin team  
  
also gets to go. Its stupid." Sasuke stared at his feet as he walked. Little get-togethers like this was one  
  
of the things on his hate list. "I don't need to know about fire safety. I'm not going to go." Sasuke said as  
  
he turned towards the road that led to his mansion.  
  
-flashback-  
  
_A eight year old Sasuke did the hand symbols for the Uchiha family name technique, the fire ball out of  
  
the mouth. He managed his chakra and out came the belch of Taco Bell's « lb. Bean Burrito. He had  
  
mastered the technique successfully and the kata was as big as it is when we first saw it. (Forgive me on  
  
that one. Hehe)   
  
"Sasuke! Don't catch the house on fire! Or the pond!" yelled a familiar voice. Out of nowhere came two  
  
hands that raised Sasuke into the air. He looked up to see a disturbed thirteen-year-old Itachi. "What  
  
were you thinking, Sasuke?!" he asked. "I wanted to show father that I can use the ultra-powerful fire ball  
  
technique too!" The child's eyes began to water.   
  
"That's okay. You did great. But keep this up and you'll become a pyro."  
  
"What's a pie-roh?"_  
  
-end flashback-  
  
Sakura looked sad. Her Sasuke wasn't going to go. The trio walked along in silence. Team seven was  
  
going to learn about fire safety. That meant that Smokey the Bear was going to be there. Oh, how  
  
Sasuke hated Smokey the Bear who helped prevent forest fires. He brought back a terrible memory.  
  
"So Sakura, since we have to stay in the forest, wanna share a tent?"  
  
"Ew! No! Not in a frog's chance, pervert!" the pink-haired menace replied and slapped the vessel across  
  
the face. "Ow.." he moaned. "Wanna go get some ramen, then?"  
  
"Not on your life!" Haruno spat.  
  
Naruto, in turn, looked hurt and sauntered off by himself towards his haven along a cold dark road.  
  
Sakura was left to walk home alone. Her thoughts dwelled on her crush. If he stayed, she stayed. That's  
  
how she saw it; but she couldn't let her sensei down. She also wanted to get away from the village. Poor  
  
her.  
  
Meanwhile, Sasuke was rethinking over the situation. If he goes, he must relive The Memory. If he  
  
doesn't, he'll be missing out on a mission, have Naruto surpass him by a small miracle, and Kakashi  
  
would come looking for him. Decisions, decisions!   
  
"I'll go. But only to kill Smokey!"  
  
TBC...   
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Maru: I'll write more depending on the reader's liking.  
Mizumi: That means to review!  
Areru: What'll happen?  
M & M: ...people will read this and hopefully review.   
Dan: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?!?! 


	2. Radiation Cows

One night before the big field trip, of which caused much stress just talking about it...  
  
"Never...NEVER! Stay AWAY! No! IIIIITTTTTAAAACCCCCHHHHHIIIII!!!" Uchiha Sasuke screamed, from which could be heard three miles away.  
  
-------------  
  
Naruto humbly packed his suitcase as he thought about two things: ramen, and beating Sasuke. Naruto had already prepared his speech for everyone after he saved them all from an out-of-control fire. When he saved everyone, he'd pass the Uchiha. Because of this thought, Naruto had managed to get motivated to get something done.  
  
The hyperactive vessel ran back and forth to his closet and kitchen cabinets. He first packed his clothes; a set of navy t-shirts and his infamous orange pants. Then he packed his bath soap, which looked brand new. Ew. Finally, he packed his survival kit, a week's worth of ramen. Naruto stuffed the food packets into his orange duffel bag and easily zipped it closed. His bright blue eyes scanned over the luggage carrier to find a side pocket, fully zipped, and bulging. "???"  
  
Gingerly he unzipped the side pocket and brushed his hand over a pointed object, something like a corner. Naruto pulled down the flap and revealed a picture frame. In the wooden frame was a picture of a woman with maple colored hair and deep ocean blue eyes holding a bundle with blonde hair peeking out from behind the blanket wrappings. Next to the woman was a man who's hair resembled a porcupine that turned yellow. He was smiling and had a hand on the unknown lady's shoulder.   
  
"?! What the--?!" Uzumaki yelled and tossed the picture over the side of his bed. He scooted away from his bed and cornered himself. "Who are you people?! Why do you look so much like me?!"   
  
------------  
  
Forget Sakura! Lets see........Kakashi and his dear dolphin, Iruka!  
  
The candle light flickered softly over the two's face. Iruka cut into his bona fide cow. The steak was well done, seasoned with spices, decorated with parsely, and accompanied with side dishes of 'slaw and garlic bread that had been soaked in butter and heavied down with garlic chunks with almost visible fumes rising from it. He managed to easily slice the once moo-ing cow and stab his fork into it.  
  
Kakashi sawed into his Pittsburg steak with his steak knife that ended up having broken teeth by the time he was done cutting. The glowing flames danced over his face as did the Chunin. He glanced up at his boyfriend with bedroom eyes. Iruka returned the stare uneasily and looked back down at his cow. Kakashi continued his romantic gaze.  
  
"You know, this is a pretty romantic setting..." Kakashi said lazily.  
  
"..." Iruka quickly glanced up to the Jounin and popped a cube of meat into his mouth. The Chunin gave a slow nod as he swallowed the unchewed steak.  
  
"Is your cow okay? I worked on it especially for you..." the Copy Ninja said passionately from the other end of the table.  
  
Iruka nodded again, and slight red forming across his cheeks, unseen because of the redish-glow of the candles. Kakashi scooted his chair around the table a bit, trying to get closer to his precious 'snuggle-bunny.' Iruka started to shiver.  
  
Kakashi inched over more. Iruka glanced to his right. There sat Hatake, with his romantic gaze set upon the teacher. "Iruka..." he said. He moved his face closer and closer to Iruka's. Then there faces were so close--  
  
"Mooooo!"  
  
"Wh-what was that?" Iruka said, turning away.  
  
"Moooooooooooo!"   
  
"Uhhh..." Kakashi replied.  
  
"MOOOOOO!" came the steaks. The two adults looked at the partially eaten meals. They were moo-ing and squirming.  
  
"OMG!!" Iruka yelled, tackling Kakashi in a female manner. "Save me! Save me!"  
  
"Everything...has just taken a turn for the worse." Kakashi sighed. He hugged the shivering Iruka in his arms as the moo-ing meals wiggled off their plates. "DONT YOU DARE GET ON MY NEWLY SWIFFERED FLOOR!" Kakashi bellowed at the cow. The food stopped dead in its wiggles and if it had a face, it'd stare at Hatake, who was rocking the younger man back and forth. Pervs...  
  
"Wh-why and HOW are they alive, Kakashi? Didnt you check to make sure they were dead?!" Iruka sobbed lightly. He looked up at his man's face, tears running down his face. Kakashi looked pissed as he glared daggers at the alienated cow. "...Well... When I bought them it said on the pakage that the cow was to promote good health because it had a ton of vitamin C in it. And when I cooked it they turned from red to green to brown and...yeah. Thats it."  
  
"...Vitamin C comes from oranges right? And things will turn green if radiation gets the best of it...." Iruka said.  
  
"Duuuuuuuuuuuude! We just ate cow from outer space! Rock. On. Man!" Kakashi slurred. His silver hair suddenly slumped down over his face, in a teenage fashion. Then... "Wanna go skateboarding?  
  
"MOOOOOOOOOO!" moo-ed the steaks. Yes, radiation has inflicted a mortal state on them. Suffer! SUFFER! Suffer, poor little bovine cutlettes! (sp?)  
  
Iruka launched himself out of Kakashi's arms, terrified. He backed himself into a corner as he fear fully looked at what once was his luva. "It's starting! I can see and feel the radiation setting in! Kakashi's turned into a teenager!!!" Next, Iruka slumped down and cried as Kakashi looked around desperatly for a skateboard and the steaks glided their way around on the once cleaned floor. Yes, Kakashi's turned to the darkside!   
  
"Ohhhhhh! Where's Naruto when you could really think he'd save you? Better yet...What about Sasuke?" Iruka cried out solemly.  
  
"Sasuke?" Kakashi asked. Radiation, plus cow, equals brain zappping.  
  
"Uchiha Sasuke! You know, your student, the Ninja Academy Rookie? The little avenger? The younger brother of Itachi?"  
  
"Oh... That Sasuke. Whadda 'bout 'im?"  
  
"Well, he could help save us, or me in any hope, and he said that he's not going on the field trip tomorrow."  
  
"Nu-uh! He's going!"  
  
"That's not what he--HEY?!" Iruka shouted as Kakashi walked past him, grabbed his shirt collar, and dragged him through and out the house. "What the---where are we going?!"  
  
"To Sasuke's!"  
  
"Oh god..."  
  
----------  
  
Sasuke poked his head out of the mound of blankets that surrounded his frightened, but calming body. "Who... Who's there?"  
  
"Kakashi and friend!"  
  
Sasuke's frightened face returned to it's emotionless face. He stood up, dusted himself off and walked to the door. He opened it and in came Kakashi and Iruka, who was being dragged.   
  
"What do you want?" the avenger asked shrewdly. Kakashi glared at him. "Your going to the field trip tomorrow and your gonna like it and your not going to sass about it."  
  
"..."  
  
"If you dont... The pyro bunny will come and get you..." Kakashi said, scary. Suddenly, a crack of thunder boke the serene night sky and Sasuke dropped onto the floor, spitting, foaming, and yelling his head off.  
  
"NOT AGAIN!! NOT THE PYRO BUNNY! ITACHI KEEP IT AWAY! SAVE MEEEE! AHHH! SMOKEY!!!!!! DIE!!!!!" He said as he rocked back and forth in his fetal position.  
  
"Our work here is done!" Kakashi said happily as he dragged Iruka out the door. "Now lets go to the skate park!"  
  
"I didn't even know we even had one of those." Iruka said to himself.  
  
"I did!" Kakashi squealed.  
  
Iruka looked at him coldly.  
  
-------  
  
Maru: Sorry this took so long. By the way this is OOC for now. The Kakashi scene went in the wrong direction. I have nothing against skateboarding either. Sakura's doom will soon become real. Answer this question for me...  
  
If it rained mushrooms, would you A) eat them, B) squish 'em, or C) chuck them at your friends and neighbors hoping to impose an all out mushroom war? 


End file.
